Dear Body

I have been using my isolation time to go through journals and my writing. Waking up after another failed reset of intuitive eating, I was feeling like shit and then stumbling across this letter I wrote to my body broke my heart!

I am not sure of when this was written but from the reference to 8 years I would say about 2-3 years ago. How the fuck am I still stuck in the same cycle, how much more time will I invest in hating my body, who has done nothing wrong but exist?!

Dear Body,

There will never be enough words to express my regret and sorrow for how I’ve treated you. I know it is my abuse and constantly blaming you when anything goes wrong that has increased my loathing of you. To know that I am responsible makes this all the more difficult.

It all started innocently enough. At age 12 my brother relayed a nasty comment from a boy in my class. I don’t remember his name or what he looked like, but I do remember he called you fat.

It was then I took us on our first diet.

It seems insane now given, you were just becoming a woman, getting round in places you ought. You were not even fat! Maybe just fatter than some of the other bodies in the class. I can’t just blame this boy, who knows I might have always grown to hate you, at some point anyway. But really, I don’t remember being aware of you too much before that day.

What followed was years and years of restricting your fuel, denying you nourishment and kindness. I even remember one day denying you a mint. I couldn’t trust what you’d do with those calories. Or maybe I couldn’t trust what it would lead to – you’ve had a mint so you might just pressure me to gorge on any food available.

Through those years of extreme dieting, even though I was horrible to you, you rewarded me with a socially acceptable exterior. We were an attractive team but no matter how much I kept you in check I never felt satisfied. And truthfully it is only now that I can actually acknowledge that you were fine – nothing wrong with you at all!

I pine for those days because as you are well aware, after years of physical and emotional warfare I, or should I say you rebelled. You gained 40 kilos in less than a year. And then some 20 more. You are now fat. Very fat. Initially I felt you had punished me in the cruellest way possible – you’d become what I’d feared and dedicated so many waking hours to avoiding. Oh the irony.

Now you have been this way for about 8 or so years, I have a better understanding of you and your motivations. The cycle of starving, then gorging…repeat…had well and truly messed with your equilibrium.

Then I discovered a different approach, I was going to listen to your needs and nourish you accordingly. I am not there yet, but I am trying every day. It would appear I have swapped the bitch for the witch. That is I have replaced the daily “I will be good today” mantra with the “I will listen and nourish you” mantra.

Basically more of the same – a daily reset of our relationship. The old today will be the day and by midday when it’s all gone to shit, I promise myself and you that tomorrow will be different.

You see even though I get now that dieting is evil, I still can’t implement a kinder relationship with you because I don’t love you and I don’t feel you deserve to be nourished. I am deeply ashamed of you. That’s hard for me to say, it really is, because you are so good to me.

Truthfully this will never work until my actions toward you are inline with my thoughts. So I really do need to let go of this strongly held desire to change you.

That time my body dragged me up the top of Mount Vesuvius in Italy - I felt so incredible after that, like I could do anything! Incidentally travelling is the only time when my eating is truly intuitive and I don't have daily squabbles with myself about what I'm eating, or not eating.